The high cost of refusing to de-escalate
“No way!” “Over my dead body!” “I won’t back down!”—these phrases, often spoken in defiance, have become commonplace in our daily interactions. While firmness and conviction have their place, the inability to let go, to concede, or to de-escalate can have far-reaching consequences.
Psychologists categorize certain personality types as ENTJs—extraverted, intuitive, thinking, and judging. These individuals, often described as “commanders,” are known for their leadership qualities. However, their defining weaknesses—stubbornness, dominance, impatience, and arrogance—can make conflict resolution difficult. The opposite trait, the ability to step back and diffuse tension, is an invaluable skill. “De-escalators” possess the rare ability to limit or minimize the intensity of conflicts, preventing situations from spiraling out of control.
In Amharic, we say aregagaw—the act of softening tensions, of choosing peace over escalation. Too often, minor disputes that could be resolved with a moment of restraint instead snowball into crises. The cost? Time, resources, and, in the worst cases, human lives—all because one party refused to de-escalate.
The Ethiopian Human Rights Commission’s recent report paints a grim picture: extrajudicial killings, civilian casualties, property destruction, forced disappearances, arbitrary detentions, and severe restrictions on movement. The crisis is acute in Tigray, Oromia, and Amhara, where the social fabric that once upheld tolerance and peaceful coexistence is rapidly unraveling.
These are not just political or humanitarian challenges; they are warning signs. Without serious intervention, Ethiopia risks further descent into chaos. The Ethiopian Red Cross Society recently announced the launch of a training center focused on humanitarian efforts, emphasizing the need to equip individuals with the mindset and tools to foster peace. The African Union Commission, too, has underscored the importance of peace education in its vision for a stable and secure Africa.
Social media has become an amplifier of hostility. A quick scroll through any platform reveals an endless stream of hate speech, insults, and outright demonization of those with differing views. If these interactions were happening in person, how many would escalate into physical confrontations? From political figures and business leaders to activists and academics, many seem obsessed with “winning” every debate. The prevailing ethos? My way or the highway.
This obsession with being right—rather than seeking understanding—fuels division. And it is not confined to politics. Workplace disputes, family disagreements, even casual interactions at a grocery store—everyday conflicts are becoming unnecessarily prolonged and bitter because neither side chooses to de-escalate.
I was recently reminded of this lesson in an unexpected way. A three-year-old child, full of boundless energy, was making a mess—screaming, crying, knocking things over. Frustrated, I intervened, hoping to restore order. Instead, I made things worse, escalating a minor disturbance into full-blown chaos. In that moment, I realized: I had handled the situation no better than the child himself.
This is how many of us approach conflict—reacting impulsively, fueled by emotion, rather than pausing to de-escalate. We see it in personal relationships, in workplaces, in politics, and on the streets.
Patience, humility, and the ability to let go—these virtues are easier said than practiced. But they are not optional. They are survival skills. When we fail to de-escalate, the consequences extend beyond hurt feelings or damaged relationships. They threaten stability, security, and even lives.
The responsibility does not rest solely with institutions promoting peace. It begins with us—choosing to lower our voices instead of raising them, choosing dialogue over confrontation, choosing to walk away when conflict serves no purpose.
For the sake of peace, for the sake of our future, we must learn to de-escalate. The cost of failing to do so is simply too high.
Contributed by Selamawit Kidane
